by: Cris Corzine-McCloskey

If you read last weeks blog you will remember that we examined how most problems in marriage are as old as the Garden of Eden itself. In fact, we discovered that Adam and Eve had the marital problems of selfishness, lack of communication, defensiveness, lack of personal responsibility in marriage, and the blame game. But as I stated in that article, the problems that began in one Garden (Eden) were crushed in another Garden (Gethsemane) if we just learn to listen to and receive help from the consummate expert on marriage, Jesus.

I think going to Jesus for marriage counseling would be awesome. I picture him as working in a laid back setting, not at all pretentious (hmmm, like Caring Counseling, perhaps). I think he would set a couple immediately at ease and they would know they could trust him. If they were having problems forgiving past marital mishaps Jesus could hold up a nail scarred hand and show them the price of their forgiveness. Once their hearts were tendered by His love, Jesus would give the couple the key to marital bliss, “Love one another, as I have loved you (John 13:34).” That would bring session one to a close, and the couple would go out to ‘work’ on their marriage and try to put that tip in to effect.

If they were honest it would not take them long to come back to Jesus and say they tried, but it doesn’t work. They would give a list of reasons (ie, it didn’t change the other person, they tried and felt hurt and rejected, etc.) All the while Jesus would be nodding sympathetically, then he would say, “Yeah, that’s because apart from me, you can do nothing (John 15:5)” .

We look at that commandment from Jesus, loving one another, which is the crux of the New Covenant law, and it seems simple enough. But if we go back and study the bible we will see that from the Garden of Eden on, we are woefully incapable of following even the most elementary rule, such as don’t eat from that tree. We cannot do it, and we are not supposed to be able to. God wants our complete dependence on Him, and that includes our marriages. Moreover, without him, we begin to presume on our own strength and get prideful and mean. This is especially true in marriage if we think we are trying harder than the other person. We resent them for not responding to our efforts, and we are all puffed up because we are the injured party who is ‘working’ so hard, and to no avail.

You can see from our original design that we were never created to work, we were created to tend God’s work. In other words, we were designed to lovingly care for what God creates. That is what Christ died to give us back. We are once again in right relationship with the Father through the Finished Work (death, burial, resurrection) of Christ. He wants to make His home in us, and us in Him, as He is the vine, and we are the branches (John 15:15). Out of His love and grace, we find peace in ourselves and ultimately our marriages. Plus, He wants to be your source of love for your spouse.

If we are loving our spouse like Jesus loves us, we are loving them unconditionally. That kind of love does not power struggle, need to be right in an argument, give the silent treatment, and it especially does not seek to change the other person. Remember the list of what authentic love is in 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, kind, etc? Well, there are a couple of traits of authentic love in that list that we should take note of. Love does not try to get it’s own way (not self-seeking), and it keeps no record of wrongs. It also believes the best in the other person.

When’s the last time you loved your spouse in such a way? Most of us love them in the hopes of getting a positive response. According to this list, that is not love, that is selfishness. We are giving in order to receive. Jesus tells us to receive love from Him first, then we can give. We’ve been doing it backwards. It’s never human love that ultimately fulfills us, it’s the love of God that’s in Christ, and loving like this is impossible if we aren’t receiving it from Him first. This is humbling, but liberating.

Here are a few other things I believe Jesus would tell a couple in marriage counseling. If they were fighting a lot he would remind them, “blessed be the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God” (Matt 5:9). In other words, peace is way more important than being right. Furthermore, according to 1 Corinthians 13:9, on this side of Heaven we only know in part anyway. Translated…guess what, you might not always be right anyway! Be humble enough and brave enough to give up your own way. Especially us wives, we are supposed to submit. Let God take up the cause.

Jesus would remind them that in order to find their lives, they would have to be willing to lose themselves (Matt 10:39). Moreover, in His Kingdom the last shall be first (Matt 20:16). He would remind them to not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, and not to consider themselves better than the other (Phil 2:3), which once again, puts power struggles and getting our own way in jeopardy. And guess what, if you aren’t fighting to get your own way, you don’t need to be defensive. Know what the fruit of that is? If you guessed communication, come collect your prize. Defensiveness is where good communication goes to die. Once Jesus had his couple communicating, he would not be done with them yet.

Then would come the clincher, the Mac Daddy of all marital advice, “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord” (Eph 6:7). That is the antidote for feelings of being a doormat that gives and get nothing in return. After all, what you do in secret is seen and rewarded by your Father in Heaven (Matt 6:4). If every time you pick up your spouse’s socks or do those dishes no one else will do, if you think of it as if you are getting to do it for Jesus, it becomes a joy. When you serve someone with love, including your spouse, you are doing it directly to Jesus. I don’t know about you, but I would not hesitate to do Jesus’ dishes or pick up His socks, so I ought to feel the same way in my home. Leave it to Jesus to make even the most mundane things rewarding when He gets involved. And what’s the best part of all of this? It’s all a work of grace. That means its a free gift of His love, and its His life flowing through our veins. Be bold enough to try a gospel approach to your marriage and see if He doesn’t give you a beautiful garden to tend!

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