Over the weekend, I got out of sorts when my husband did something insignificant that made me feel slighted, leading to an internal mini-fit. My thoughts went off the rails and started telling me how good I was to him vs how he treated me. All the while, Jesus was inside me, calling BS on my internal psychodrama. I felt Jesus gently pointing out that not only was I overreacting, but I also had a lot of yucky hidden motives inside.
I began to see that while I am often outwardly good, inwardly, I’m sometimes driven by skeevy motives of covert manipulation. Yuck! I didn’t want to know that about me! But once God showed me, I saw the truth. I realized that even some attempts to please my husband were based on people-pleasing calculating tactics. I had tried to be so good to him that I could always take the high road and come out smelling like a rose. Sometimes, martyring ourselves can be the height of manipulation. It felt very gross when I saw it for what it was.
As I prayed this through, I saw a familiar scripture with fresh eyes. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “You are the light of the world, like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine for all to see so that everyone will praise your Heavenly Father [emphasis mine].”
Never had I noticed the lamp was supposed to light up the household. Throughout my Christian life, I’ve tried to be that city on a hill and shine His light throughout my community. But I had never considered that I was to be a lamp on display to illuminate my house so my husband could see my good deeds and praise the Father! Restated, Jesus, in me, is supposed to be so shiny that He brightens Nathan’s life and shows him the love of God. Epic failure on my part!
Not only have I not illuminated anything but my keester when I get mad, but when I do manage to eke out a “good work,” it is usually done to illuminate ME! With my hidden motives revealed, I saw what I really wanted: for Nathan to see how good I am and how lucky he is to have me. I saw my hidden motives as sinful and putrid and simultaneously understood that I cannot overcome this part of me. That’s where mercy steps in. And it’s available to all of us who struggle with junk, which is all of us.
That’s why I share my internal muck and guck. I don’t struggle with anything that is not common to us all. Praise God for our Savior, Jesus, who eradicated our sin on the cross so we don’t stand condemned before God, no matter how jacked up we are! Plus, He gave us His Spirit inside, who has the power to help us with all our human weaknesses. In fact, when we are weak, He promises to be strong. He’s the only chance we have of overcoming our human frailties.
After my humbling weekend of seeing my motives stripped bare before my Savior, I heard a song by Anne Wilson that spoke to my internal battles. It’s called Strong, and it goes like this, “Strong, try to make ’em all think I’m strong. Yeah, the face I keep putting on says I ain’t tired, but these tear-stained eyes ain’t lying. ‘Cause hard, nobody told me life could be so hard. A weary soul with a worn-out heart that’s barely beatin’. But every time I get that feeling, I hit my knees with my hands held high, saying, ‘Dear Lord, Jesus, you know I can’t do this on my own. I can’t do this on my own.’ Lord knows I’ve tried, but I’m good at falling down. Thank God you’re good at picking me up off the ground. The world’s gonna try to break me, but I know the one who makes me Strong.”
And that, my friends, is the beautiful mercy of a God who is always tender and, as Brenan Manning used to say, “loves us as we are, and not as we should be, because chances are, we will never be as we should be.” But, with His help, I will be that lamp put on a stand in my household! How about we hit our knees with our hands held high and let Him make us strong?
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