by: Cris Corzine-McCloskey

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ~ Genesis 2:18

As a counselor, and now as a wife, I must admit that I have read my fair share of books on marriage. I have also listened to countless sermons on how to be a better spouse. While I have learned some things from each of these sources, not surprisingly, the bible is still my favorite knowledge bank. Honestly, we don’t have to look further than the first married couple to spot just about every modern day marital problem that we have.

As with most of our unions, Adam and Eve’s started off really good. It was God’s idea to put them together, and God literally hand formed this woman for Adam. She must have been a masterpiece because Adam took one look at her and started spouting poetry and prophesying (Genesis 2:23-24). And we all know how the story goes after that, they were both in the garden, naked and unashamed.

I have spent a lot of time pondering that last phrase, and the origins of this couple, as they represent God’s design for marriage. For starters, naked and unashamed smacks of vulnerability and openness. When we are ashamed we hide ourselves and get defensive. They were not self-protecting from one another or from God. Furthermore, they were created and immediately placed into the finished work of creation, a time when God went into a rest (Gen 2:2). They were not created to labor, they were created to tend a blessed creation, have dominion over it, and have all their needs met by God. When our needs are met by God we are free to love the person we are with and not feel that they failed us if we feel needy. I believe this is how they were designed to operate. Needs met from above so love flowed out to one another. Ah, bliss!

We don’t know how long they functioned like that, but we do know what happened next…the temptation and the fall. This is also where marital problems first crept in. This is the first recorded instance of selfishness, because someone wanted something for themselves outside of God’s will or thinking about what their spouse’s opinion would have been. Of course, this was Eve, operating under a good desire (to be wise and more like God), but a very faulty premise. She was already like God, created in His image and full of His love. As soon as the serpent suggested otherwise and Eve was tempted to believe the lie she should have consulted her husband and her Creator.

Furthermore, according to Genesis 3:6, Adam was right there with her. Why wasn’t he protecting her or telling her not to talk to snakes? Who knows. But one thing we do know is that they did not talk about trusting God, how good He was at meeting their need, etc. Perhaps if she would have spoken to Adam before she ate they could have figured this out together, or gone to God with their questions. Therefore, first problems in their marriage, selfishness, not trusting God and lack of communication. Hmmm, sound familiar?

Interestingly, their eyes were not opened until after Adam ate, which tells me that until he took that bite this thing still may have been salvaged. He was, after all, the head of the family. However, instead of going to God he followed his wife in to sin. Yikes!! How often do we do that when our spouse wants to fight? We can opt out at any time, go pray, love and forgive, but instead we jump down the rabbit hole with them. After Adam eats it all comes crashing down. Sadly, the first thing they lose is their ability to walk around naked and unashamed, therefore they had to cover themselves. This brought the first recorded incidence of defensiveness. Next comes the blame game. God finds them and rather than own their mistake Adam blames Eve and God, and Eve blames the snake. Tragic! Now we have the defensiveness, lack of personal responsibility and blame game trifecta. Tell me you haven’t spotted that in just about every fight you have had with your spouse. So, here are the problems Adam and Eve could have come to marriage counseling to start with: lack of communication, selfishness, defensiveness, lack of personal responsibility for their problems, and blaming others for where they are at in their marriage.

The next problem they have is the classic issue that most couples are still having discord over, and it is a direct result of the curse. God told Adam that he would no longer be tending a garden but laboring for his existence. They left the rest of God, and he told Adam “the ground is cursed because of you, and all your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it” (Gen 3:17 NLT). Enter the workaholic husband who finds way too much of his identity from his job. And what happened to Eve? The Lord told her that she would desire her husband, but he would dominate her (Gen 3:16). I believe that ushered in the era of the unfulfilled woman who finds her identity from her husband. She craves his attention and feels unloved because he is busy working too hard to provide for his family. He then feels disrespected because she does not recognize that his working so hard is for the family. Round and round they go. All the result of the fall.

I watch this saga across a variety of marriages, and while the symptoms may vary (infidelity, addiction, pornography, etc.) the core issues remain the same. Selfishness results in power struggles. We want our way, and that is that. With wanting our own way we must defend our desires. Enter defensiveness. In my opinion this is the number one problem in marriage. Next comes lack of communication, blaming, unfulfilled needs and a tendency to find identity outside of the Christ (namely, work). If any of this feels familiar don’t be discouraged, because what happened in one garden (Eden) was undone in another garden (Gethsemane). Next time I will talk about how the Great Rabbi is also a really, really great Marriage Counselor. Till then, love your spouse like they are the only person in the world, don’t talk to serpents, and quit being so darn defensive!

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