(Originally published on Cris’ Gace Space https://www.crisgracespace.com/.)
I have a tendency to obsess about spiritual things. Sometimes that’s a beautiful thing. I’ll meditate
on a scripture until it moves from my head into my heart. And I’m pretty obsessed with a man
named Jesus.
But sometimes my obsession takes a darker turn. Sometimes it’s downright destructive.
My toxic trait? I obsessively measure my spiritual walk.
Did I spend enough time with Him? Was I focused enough? Am I as close to Him as I used to
be?
The answer, of course, is always no.
Because I’m constantly comparing today’s ordinary walk with yesterday’s mountaintop
experiences, conveniently forgetting all those trips through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
And knowing me, I was probably measuring myself back then, too.
It’s a never-ending way to put my head in a bowl and eat it.
Every. Single. Day.
Admittedly, some of my concerns are legitimate. I spend too much time on screens and chasing
mindless distractions that steal my joy and leave me anxious. But once I recognize whatever
dopamine hit I’m currently chasing, I start beating myself up, comparing myself to whoever I
imagine I was back then.
“Lord, please fix me. Take this obsession away,” I pray, reaching for my phone or the last of the
Halloween candy.
Welcome to the peculiar predicament of the earnest Jesus follower. We love Him, we want to
know Him, and somewhere along the way, our pursuit of Him becomes another opportunity to
find ourselves lacking.
Even the Apostle Paul understood the struggle. He described doing the very things he didn’t want
to do while failing to do the things he did. His answer was to walk according to the Spirit rather
than the flesh.
Wonderful. But if we have to successfully walk in the Spirit to become empowered to walk in the
Spirit, we’re in trouble.
And here’s something worth considering. When we’re obsessing over what we’re not doing,
comparing ourselves to what we supposedly used to do, we’re not living in the present. And we’re
certainly not beholding Jesus.We’re beholding ourselves. And our supposed lack.
When we project all that failure into the future, imagining ourselves forever lost in a wilderness
of screens and distractions, we’re not living in the present either. We’re living in fear.
But what if our faith isn’t actually about us? What if it’s about Him?
Paul wrote something in 2 Corinthians 3:17–18 that I keep coming back to. He said that
wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there’s freedom. And as we keep looking at Jesus, we become
more and more like Him. Not because we’re working so hard to change ourselves, but because
His Spirit is doing the changing.
And there’s the trap. How easily we turn even our relationship with Jesus into a performance
review. We’re simultaneously the employee, the supervisor, and the disappointed customer. And
somehow, Jesus becomes the guy we’re asking to help improve our quarterly numbers.
No wonder we’re exhausted.
We’re so busy examining our hearts that we forget to behold His.
Maybe walking in the Spirit isn’t another spiritual discipline we need to master. Maybe it’s
learning to trust the One who lives in us.
Maybe when we reach for our phones for the twentieth time, we can simply put them down and
enjoy His company. Not because we’ve gotten our acts together, but because He’s here.
And when our attention wanders, we can look again.
Not because He’s keeping score, but because He’s the One we love.
Beholding Jesus isn’t another technique for fixing ourselves. It’s a relationship, not a self-
improvement strategy.
The Christian life was never supposed to be an endless examination of ourselves. It’s an
invitation to behold Him.
And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
Even freedom from our obsession with getting freedom right.
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