I have been sick. What started as a simple gallbladder problem cascaded into many complications, including 5 trips to the Emergency Room, 3 surgical procedures, and a brief stay at Barnes. Today is my first day back to work and my first attempt at an article in weeks.
There is nothing like prolonged, unresolved pain and painful circumstances to show you where your faith is and where it isn’t. I am used to being the person who sits with and comforts people who have been so ravaged by life they are reduced to questions and doubts about their faith. I didn’t expect to become one of those people, but I did. There came the point in this battle where I questioned God’s love and faithfulness. I couldn’t understand why I kept crying out to Him and kept suffering. Why is a hard question to wrestle with when you are in pain.
The Apostle Paul wrote about wanting to “fellowship with Christ’s sufferings.” I understand that doesn’t necessarily mean being whipped or nailed to a cross. I believe it means using all the hurts life dishes out and pausing to think, “Jesus, you know how this feels,” and become aware of His presence in that place. Despair and discouragement, even feeling abandoned by God, are areas where we can fellowship with Jesus because He went through the exact same things.
There was a point on the cross where Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me [emphasis mine]!” There it is. That dirty little 3-letter word makes us feel a million miles from the Father who loves us. Jesus really does understand what we feel like in those moments of doubt. I have now fellowshipped with Him in that place, and it’s made me love Him even more. It also forced me to look at how He handled His doubts.
Jesus had to choose to give up the “why” and trust His Father in the midst of His pain. That was His example. We are called to follow Him, so we must choose to give up our “whys” and trust the Father is there. When that moment came for me, I wrote this in my journal: “I lay down my right (of which I have none) to know why. I just want to know You.”
Here I am, finding my way back to the land of the living. I don’t understand why this happened and probably never will. But I’m not told to seek the “why.” I’m meant to seek Him. And I feel the Father urging me to share my moments of doubt and pain so all of you can know He is faithful, even when we aren’t. If my Christian experience relied on my steadfast love to keep me, I’d be in BIG trouble. I am convinced now more than ever it’s His steadfast love that holds on to us, even when we don’t want to hold on to Him.
Paul, no stranger to pain and discouragement, wrote this, “So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!”
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